Tea for One: Bed Rest Musings

So just more day in the sick house, I am returning to my community home tomorrow around 9AM. Yay!!! I don't know what this sickness has been about, but it has definitely given me some time to reflect and do a lot of reading - I finished the last two books of Narnia, and The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun. And here are some thoughts I have gotten in the middle of my five days of rest.

Jon shared a week ago how he clearly sees the need for people to trust God to provide for them on a daily basis, while in the states we kind of don't need God because we "have everything." I definitely agreed with the statement when I first heard it because it just simply made sense materially. Upon further examination, this is also a spiritual truth. It first challenges me by this question: How will God grow you in trusting Him, when you can already meet all your own needs - mentally, physically, and spiritually? If I can provide for myself, how difficult it is to recognize God as my provider!
Furthermore, The Heavenly Man shares how oppression in China against Christianity and the lack of freedom spurs people to follow God at the cost of their lives. In my freedom I'm simply thinking in terms of quiet times, quality of prayer, and quantity of actions. By having all taken away, following God has eternal ramifications. In having so much, following God can easily mean so little.
Being sick is my Achilles Heel. It simultaneously takes away my motivation to follow God because I'm resentful for the lack of rest and moves me toward trying to be more productive because I can't handle being grounded. And that's what has happened the past few days. It is a lot tougher for me to enjoy God's presence now because I reason that if I were to spend time with God's presence, my head wouldn't feel foggy nor would I feel sleepy. At the same time, I refuse to rest - I need to do something "productive."
I thank God that He brings us back to Him through Jesus. Though I have felt all these frustrations and feel convicted of thinking silly thoughts, I repent of all of this and want to return to His rest. It's the same thing that gets me multiple times, summarized well in The Heavenly Man: "Ministry had become an idol. Working for God had taken the place of loving God. I hid my condition from those who prayed for me and carried on in my own strength, until God decided to intervene in his mercy and love" (pp 198). Being moved by the love of God or the love to work for God outwardly looks very similar, but is most telling for the heart... is the one I serve myself or God? and the symptoms are pretty clear. If I do things for the love of God, only joy and peace can flow from this. But if for the love of working for God, then only resentment, bitterness, and pride comes with this. I thank God for this time of sickness and reflection. I seem to have gone down this path of working and doing as many things as possible for the past few months and have been worn out by it. In His grace, may He return me and refill me with His love, and it is this love that overflows to others.